Okay so as I said in the above video, I’m ready a book called Quantum Love by Laura Berman, and I will get into all the details of the book in another post, but the purpose of this post is just to go over what I describe in the title…
5 feelings in a relationship. According to Dr. Berman, we can attract the people in our lives that we are looking for, and form relationships with the characteristics we want.
But first, we need to know exactly what it is we are looking for. And instead of setting goals to achieve the kind of relationship we want, she recommends using feelings as a means to achieve this.
So for example, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, oftentimes setting a New Year’s Eve goal that “I will be in a relationship by the end of this calendar year” is often a fruitless venture.
What is more beneficial is describing the feelings you envision yourself having inside of the relationship you imagine. Then every decision you make will either work towards or against reaching those feelings.
And you will also emanate a certain energy that will help your true self attract a person that may help create a relationship that provides those envisioned feelings.
I can personally attest to this, as I remember one night during my senior year of college when I had just left a random encounter with some girl thinking “this is not what I want anymore”. I want something real.
And within a calendar year from that point, I had met two girls who I had real feelings for beyond a random encounter.
So without further ado, 5 feelings in a relationship:
- Physically attracted to the girl I’m dating…
I know, I know. Basing your relationship on physical appearance? How shallow of you! Looks change! It’s the substance that counts!
I agree with, and recognize all of those points. However, there is substance to my stance here. First, a girl that’s physically attractive is likely a girl that invests time in herself.
Self-maintenance is time consuming. A well dressed girl, with straightened long hair, and nice teeth means she invests time to take care of herself.
Note, there’s definitely a difference between someone who’s vain about their looks, and someone who is acutely aware of their well being and appearance.
In addition, the honeymoon phase to start a relationship is a real thing. That energy, and that spark you feel when first meeting someone and realizing there is a mutual attraction is awesome.
I’ve read that our brain makes judgements on whether or not we find someone to be a hot or not within the first few seconds to minutes of laying eyes on them.
To me, that’s not nearly enough time to judge them as a person. That is a snap judgement, made purely based on looks. So to me, you have to have that element of physical attractiveness to spark a potential relationship.
- Mutual care
This may seem simplistic enough on the surface, but, what I’m referring to is selfless care for one another. When you really like a person, you’d do something for them just because you want them to feel good.
You want to make them happy. So something as simple as playing with someone’s hair, or a back massage, become something you want to do for the other person, not a chore.
- Share an unconventional lifestyle
I’m someone who, as you may have told from my blog, likes to think about thinks very deeply, and unconventionally. Whether it be mindfulness, yoga, the universe, life, or any of the books I read, I think differently.
And I live my life differently as well. I don’t work a 9-5 at a large corporate company. I own my own business. I want to travel (more than I do). These are things that most “mainstream” Americans don’t do.
Most people go with the flow, do what they’ve been told or groomed to do, and don’t think twice about it. And if that works for you, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But for me, that doesn’t work, which is why I think and live the way I do. And feeling as though the girl I am dating is living a similar lifestyle would be awesome.
Someone I can meditate with, do yoga with, try unconventional methods of sex with, someone who is mindful of their emotions and dynamics of interactions between people.
Someone who is willing to face their emotions, and work through them, with me, and who’s willing to hear out my emotions and work through them as well.
Someone who, on a Tuesday at 10:30 AM can decide to get up and go to the beach with me if she wants… in the Bahamas! Just because we can.
Most of my friends and family currently live within the confines of a conventional lifestyle and within whatever conventional wisdom dictates, but as I said, I don’t.
This often leaves me not even remembering just how greatly my lifestyle allows me to be free. And I want that to be shared with the girl I date.
- Mature, yet childlike
This is something that’s hard to describe, but hear me out on this one. A lot of my friends refer to me as a “child”. When most people hear that, they take that to mean “childish”.
However, this isn’t the case. I don’t go around throwing tantrums to people when I don’t get my way, and go running to mommy when I get a boo-boo.
What my friends really should be saying is that I am childlike. This, I fully embrace. I’m 23 right now, but I don’t feel inherently different than I did when I was a young teen.
Sure, I’ve learned sooooo much that I couldn’t have ever imagined even existed when I was a young teen, about life and about myself, but I feel young at heart.
I sing to 90’s music openly, like to watch cartoons and play video games, play sports every day, and I enjoy making gingerbread houses during the holiday.
I don’t subscribe to the conventional wisdom and life course most people follow of “oh you’re in your 20’s, and you STILL play tackle football?” “where’s your $500 watch?” “you don’t work 60 hour weeks?” “you eat THAT food? why not try some more sophisticated foods?”
That’s all just a conjured up mindset society tries to throw at us, and most people bite right on and don’t think twice. And again, if that works for you, great. But that’s not me.
I envision myself still being the guy who’s 50 years old still playing basketball every day. I see myself having snowball fights with the girl I’m dating, and then making hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows together.
And at the same time, I see myself dating a girl who knows when it’s time to be serious, and can communicate with me like an adult. Not in the typical sense of the word, but…
Sometimes, because of my unconventional lifestyle described above, I feel as though I cannot have deep discussions with anyone because the ideas I have are often “laughed at”.
I don’t refrain from or shy away from my beliefs at all, it’s just that with some people, it isn’t worth trying to share the ideas with because it’s often presented to someone who’s closed minded who won’t listen anyway.
A girl I date, I envision being able to share these thoughts with, and be able to actually talk about them. If I feel as though issues are present in my life, or she does hers, I envision being able to sit down and talk about those things.
Whatever they are. And I envision dating a girl that when she has important feelings, she isn’t afraid to open up and tell me. Communication and trust and vulnerability are qualities that represent strength, and maturity, and those are things I envision a girl I am dating having.
In addition, oftentimes maturity comes and is built in the face of pain or struggle. Note, I do not identify with my past pain or struggles as I used to. I’ve learned a lot about that topic, as I mentioned in my post about letting go.
But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that my past pain and struggle have definitely given me the opportunity to do a lot of the self-exploration and learning about my true self and life in general that I have done, to allow me to become conscious and aware of the fact that I am whole as a person.
This is really important. Because I’m not necessarily looking for a girl who has had similar struggles or pain as me, or any pain or struggle at all, but as I said, I feel as though these things help bring self awareness to an individual.
And that self awareness is what I see a girl I am dating to have. A girl who’s self aware of her feelings, and the energy between us, so that we can resonate with one another on a higher energy frequency. A positive energy frequency.
- Uninhibited, free
A lot of the times I hear guys say things like “oh I can’t go out tonight because of the ol’ ball and chain”… Well, that’s really the older generation who says things like that…
But guys my age, will say, “oh I can’t go out because my girlfriend wants to do X”, or “I can’t do X because my girlfriend doesn’t like when I do that”, or even simply “I can’t because my girlfriend is home”.
I’ve had people make plans with me specifically for when they know their significant other is going to be out of town. That doesn’t sound like a relationship I want.
I envision a relationship with a girl I’m dating to allow us both to feel uninhibited and free. And this has dual meanings for me. First, it means as I described above.
I don’t see why dating someone means you should give up more and more of what you like to do because the other person doesn’t like it. To me, that’s extremely needy and lacks personal boundaries.
In addition, why would you want to give up parts of yourself that you actually like? Why would someone you’re dating want you to give up parts of yourself as well…
Especially when they specifically started dating you when those parts of yourself were in full strength… And lastly, why would you want to even date someone who wants you to give up parts of yourself?
To me, there are going to be relatable (common) and unrelatable (uncommon) aspects and grounds between two people dating. Things we can do together, and things we don’t need to do together.
We can go out to dinner and a movie together. That doesn’t mean we need to go out to dinner every single night together, or that I can only go to a movie if she’s there too.
She can be a fan of going to country concerts with her friends. I may not be. I may be a fan of going to Yankees fans with my friends. She may not be.
And that’s fine. That’s what I want to feel with a girl I’m dating, that it’s perfectly fine for both of us to be free to do whatever want, when we want to do it.
And the second part of this, is that I want it to feel perfectly fine and normal to express ourselves in any way we see fit. Of course, as I said before, I envision this being done in a mature and mindful manner.
However, I don’t understand why people feel the need to tip toe around those who you’re closest with. I want to feel like I can say something to a girl I’m dating, even though it may hurt her feelings, and vice versa, as long as it’s respectful, and done out of the best interest of the relationship.
I have friends and family members who I’d feel weird saying something around that may hurt their feelings, because I don’t know if they can take it in a non-personal matter that would spiral into something that could permanently damage a relationship.
Those people are people I don’t feel genuinely close to. The people I feel genuinely closest to, are those who I could say something I absolutely, genuinely feel, or they could say something they absolutely, genuinely feel to me, and we could take it.
We could realize that its just something that was said, and it’s a passing, relatively minor incident, in what is otherwise a strong relationship. So we deal with it, let it go, and move on. That’s what I want to feel with a girl I am dating.
And although I wouldn’t consider it a perfect model for a relationship I want, or a perfect relationship (no relationship is perfect), I’d consider my mom and dad’s marriage to exemplify this specific point, about doing what they want and saying what they want.
Neither of them are afraid to say exactly what is on their minds. They say it, they deal with it, and they move on. They don’t try and tiptoe around one another, so there’s definitely no unresolved issues that drag on. Sure, there’s arguing and conflict, but it gets put out in the open and resolved.
Same for the point about doing what they want. My parents do whatever they want whenever they want. I’m just laughing in my head right now actually trying to envision one of them telling the other what they can or cannot do. They’d laugh at each other as if to say “you can’t control me” and that’d be the end of it. Each of them are their own person.
- Comfort in the idea of a sex life based on principles of karezza
As you know from my opening post of my site, I have an addition to pornography, and that has been one of the pain / struggle points in my life that has led to a LOT of self-learning and increased self-awareness about the interactions between people in all kinds of relationships.
And as a result, I came across a concept called karezza (pronounced ka-ret-za) which is basically non-orgmasic intercourse and sexual activities with your significant other.
The idea behind it is that the reward circuitry in the brain serves the mission of genes, which have evolved over millions of years. To do what exactly? To reproduce.
A LOT of our actions can be explained by the primal goal to reproduce offspring that are safe and healthy that have a good chance of survival.
In addition, according to the book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, this primary goal of reproduction is what feeds our frenzy to things such as one-night stands, and self-pleasing sexual acts that, yes, in the short term bring us pleasure, but don’t provide for a stable environment of allowing us to experience our true selves, happy and whole.
That pleasure we feel after an orgasm is fleeting. It comes and goes quickly, which is where people thing the orgasm ends, but it has many lasting impacts. The one of most interest to this point is, our reward circuitry. If we put the brain under an examination at the time of orgasm, and at the time of injecting a dose of heroin, what do you think we’d see?
If you have no idea, what we’d see is, very similar images of the brain. If you’re saying “there’s no way in hell, you’re an idiot”, consider that the reason we enjoy either of, or both, of these activities, is because they provide a massive spike of dopamine in our reward circuitry.
This leads to a predictable steep falling off of dopamine in the reward circuitry as well. When overwhelming amounts of dopamine are raised, the dopamine receptors in our brain essentially try to normalize it by becoming less sensitive to it.
Which explains some things you’ve probably noticed in your life. Why… right after sexual activity and orgasm, you are disinterested in your significant other and want to get up and leave, or you are so tired that you just fall asleep right away.
Or after a long night of drinking or drugs, you sleep for hours and hours on end more than normal. It’s all explained by this excessive high due to dopamine followed by steep drop.
This, however, normalizes over time to regular dopamine levels. The issue is, when awareness and mindfulness is not brought to this cycle, because then we exacerbate it.
After these activities such as the ones described above (or ones such as gambling or eating junk food) our brains now have new pathways drilled into them thanks to the excessive dopamine shot out by the reward circuity at the time of the activity.
This explains cravings. It explains how companies so easily manipulate and take advantage of you to buy things through their advertising.
The cravings can be so strong that your brain convinces you “oh I just need that thing (orgasm, heroin) one more time to make me feel good again”, and so when you do it again, the same thing happens.
A huge spike of dopamine, followed by a dip. Except now, it feels a bit less good than it did last time. Because your dopamine receptors are become desensitized further and further to help try and regulate your dopamine level.
Except this counteracts with the cravings paved into your brain by the reward circuitry which say “I need that thing one more time to feel good again”. Except now, because your dopamine receptors are more desensitized every time you engage in that thing, it becomes a bottomless pit.
Your brain convinces you that “feeling good again” is right around the corner. This is why, with people who watch porn for extended periods of time, they end up spending more time looking for that “perfect girl” to orgasm to… Because any simple image of a nude girl is no longer good enough, it needs to be the “perfect one” to make you feel that good feeling again… And this is because of the trick your brain is playing on you.
I know that was a huge tangent, but to bring my back to my point, because of what I described above, I want to feel that the girl I date and I want to feel in love and closer together with each other, not necessarily that we HAVE to engage in traditional sexual activity.
I want to feel that we are not confusing our mating program, with our bonding program. I alluded to this above, that our genes primary goal is reproduction. That’s our mating program. As you can see above, chasing orgasm for the sake of chasing orgasm, doesn’t lead to happiness.
One night stands, sex for sex’s sake, doesn’t lead to anything but fleeting pleasure, and an uneven balance of dopamine. It doesn’t bring you any closer to what humans REALLY love and want ultimately, which is connection with others.
Think about it… As a baby, the thing we absolutely need to survive (aside from food and water) is attention and bonding with our parents. Babies that don’t have that can experience all sorts of issues.
And as adults now, we still want the same thing. Connection with people. However, the fact that we as humans have confused our pursuit of orgasm (genetically encoded for purposes of reproduction) with the ideal forming of connections and bonds with others that we love, leads to people essentially running on the hamster wheel, never getting any closer to that true connection with a significant other.
For me, realizing that we even HAVE a boding function was eye opening. Hearing that it is different than the reproduction function was relieving.
Our bonding function as humans basically calls for basic, primal things we got as kids that allowed us to bond with our parents. Touch, affection, communication, attentiveness, etc.
And this is where the concept of karezza comes in. Karezza is a way for two people to continue to strengthen the bonds between them, and form truly transcendental relationships in which they are both there to grow closer to one another, not to pursue self-serving sexual desires.
The effects of karezza are multi-layered, but can be summed up by saying that it allows you to feel cutesey and cuddley with your significant other, like you really want to be there with them, and talk with them, and help them. That is what I want to feel with a girl I am dating.
I’ve never personally been in a relationship that lasted long enough to get to (for example) the “3 or 4 year mark”, at which point you generally hear couples start to shift from the “lovey dovey” part of a relationship to the couple that tells single people to “stay single while you can”.
I always wondered HOW in the hell this happens. And learning about karezza gave me the answer. We as humans are prone to a condition known as The Coolidge Effect.
It basically states that the more times we have sex with orgasm with a partner, the novelty and desire to continue to have sex with that same partner decreases over time. So say that you’re dating a new girl. And on a scale of 0-100, your desire to be around her and be all cutesey and have sex with her is 100.
Then, 3 years later, after you’ve been exclusively in a relationship and having sex with the same girl, that same desire is now a 50. Yet, according to The Coolidge Effect, if a new girl came around, that same desire, again, would be 100.
So that feeling of increased annoyance that you get with your significant other over long periods of time and your desire to be all cutesey and sexually involved with them wanes over time. It’s not you, or your partner, its The Coolidge Effect.
Our bodies are not meant to continue to endure orgasm after orgasm over extended periods of time. That serves the mating and reproduction function of our bodies and as stated before, leaves us essentially unbalanced.
This lack of balance goes unnoticed by most people, but as someone who has dealt with an addiction to porn, I can tell you it is DEFINITELY real. The lows I have experienced after binging on porn and orgasm for days on end, are really low. Irritability, isolation, etc. It’s real.
So again, to me, before I learned about karezza, and before the time around when I started this blog, I couldn’t even imagine writing the things I’m writing right now (trust me, I have had my fair share of sexual fun with girls), but I realized it’s no longer what I want.
What I want is to be dating a girl where I feel that we are cultivating the bond we have between one another, and aren’t so concerned with whether or not one of us orgasmed this week.
I know this was a super long post, so if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading, and I’ll get more into the details and reviewing the books I’ve mentioned here in future posts! Until then, cya 🙂
UPDATE: After I completed this exercise, by coming up with these “feelings” just off of ideas I had verbalized by expressions I could find, I came across a table of feelings to “choose from”.
Out of these feelings, I have picked 5 I think summarize everything I said above:
Playful, Comforted, Encouraged, Free, Intimate