Hey guys. I haven’t posted in a while. Which is both a good thing, and a bad thing. Good thing, because things have been going really well for me since I last posted. Bad thing, because I would like to post more frequently about a wide variety of topics. But, I digress.
The reason I’m posting today, is that I just PMO’d. The last time I had done this was in February, and in the This Is Me post, I made a declaration to never PMO again.
I spent so much time on YBOP and learning and understanding the cause of addiction, and the nature of people that deal with a pornography addiction, that I thought for sure I beat it.
Making a #100%NonNegotiableNo declaration, a firm decision, that I wouldn’t PMO was also an amazing step, as I learned in the book Think and Grow Rich. One of the 13 steps to success is making a firm decision.
So, when I made a non negotiable decision to not PMO anymore, it turns out, as I said above, it was an excellent step to success because in my mind, there was no scenario in which I’d PMO again.
That means all my actions and thoughts would lead me to back up my decision, my firm thoughts I believed to be matter of fact. There was only one issue.
I didn’t realize the importance of habit and consciousness of mind. Yes, I had been meditating for months, with one of the primary focuses to be more conscious of my surroundings and my thoughts at all times.
However, what I mean is, although I made a decision, over time, the sheer magnitude and strength of that decision wore off. So, initially, in This Is Me, I explained how I would no longer even view suggestive images of women in TV shows or movies.
But over time, I was not as strict with this as I had been at first. If I knew a movie had a nude girl in it or sexually suggestive scenes, I might watch anyway.
Or, if I knew online dating apps had images of model status women on them wearing skimpy or nothing clothing, I’d download and use them anyway. I was tempting myself.
And most of the time, I was aware of the sexual content of the activities I was engaging in, and just repeated to myself, #100%NonNegotiableNo. But again, over time, this declaration became more and more distant.
Several months ago, I installed online dating apps, and felt a strong urge to PMO one night, at which point I was able to just breathe, delete the apps, and then re-state my declaration.
However, still knowing the content that is on the apps and the trigger effect it could have, I downloaded them yet again. This time, getting quickly hooked into browsing all major cities for the hottest, most near nude women I could find.
And I say near nude because that’s something I used to justify what I was doing, which was looking for hot girls to pleasure myself to. Did I know what I was doing? Yes. Did I know that went against my declaration? Absolutely yes.
Did I continue looking for more and more pics and videos? Yes again. At this point, I didn’t actually orgasm and stopped before then, after hours of browsing and rimming basically.
That was part of my justification, and the other part was, saying that I actually wanted to be doing this. This was bullshit, and I didn’t realize it until a few hours later, but it was just a cheap trick on the part of my mind to rationalize what had just occurred.
But later this morning, I started browsing again, and rimming, again. I told myself that was actually it, but as you can tell as a theme from my articles, these things usually come in binges. I know that, of course, so on a subconscious level I probably knew I was going to O at some point.
And I did. But it’s important to note that NOTHING is responsible for me PMO’ing except for ME. I am responsible. Nothing “forced” me to do it, and left me hanging out to try wondering what happened.
I know EXACTLY what happened. I knew exactly what was HAPPENING while it was going on. And I made the DECISION, during, that I wanted to do it, and I did. In my work bathroom.
And now? Well, the first realization I remembered from multiple past PMO binges is that the anticipation building up to the orgasm was wayyyy greater than the actual pleasure of it once it happens.
This is partly a cheap trick on the part of our brains, and also because as it’s happening, you know you’re going against your declaration. And that sucks realizing that reality come to fruition.
However, if there’s something I’ve learned this past year, it’s that outcome independence is KEY, in all walks of life, and there WILL be mistakes made, in everything, by myself, by others, by circumstances. It happens.
Beating myself up over this would be a fruitless endeavor, and it’s a road I’ve taken before. What I can do instead is learn from this. To think about why this happened, and what led to this, and how to remedy the situation in the future.
Earl Nightengale defined success as someone who has a goal and is taking derivative action to try and achieve that goal. FAILING is a commonly misunderstood word.
But I’m here to tell you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to fail, if you make a decision to succeed. You only fail when you quit, so if you persevere through the bumps in the road, you’ll realize slip ups like this are just that… bumps in the road, and not failures.
So, to make one final point on a trigger here, in addition to allowing myself to expose myself to the suggestive graphics on the dating apps, there is a reason I actually downloaded the apps in the first place.
A feeling of lack. One of the things I realized from my interactions with dates from online dating apps was that I really wanted to meet girls I date in person. And I got books on sales, read content on cold approaching, etc. And I was gun-ho.
However, I had no definite decisions, or goals made, to approach these girls to jump start my dating life again, so I felt lack. And when you feel lack, and think about lack, you display lack and put out a frequency exhibiting lack to other people in the world.
So because of this feeling that I wasn’t getting new dates, I actually put myself in a situation and took actions supporting that viewpoint. Which led to the dating apps. An almost, last resort, to build up an abundance of dates in my life.
I justified this by saying, once I had the abundance built up from online dating, I could approach women with a more abundant mindset. However, this is backwards.
The reality is that I MUST make the decision that my dating life is abundant. Really believe, and feel, that my dating life is abundant and that I could walk up to any girl I want to and ask her out and get a date with her, before my dating life truly is abundant.
Once I feel abundance, think about abundance, and believe in the abundance of my dating life, I display abundance and put out a frequency exhibiting abundance to other people in the world. This is what I want and that we all have the power to do.
Women notice this, and sense you’re not needy, and thus become more attracted to you, because your happiness is not dependent on them saying yes when you approach asking for a date.
It’s simple, and I understand this concept, yet, without having put a definite plan of action in place, or making a definite decision, my simple understanding of this concept is not enough to at times catch my mind from resorting back to its programmed default state of feeling lack.
Now, when I was using the dating apps, I felt good, and that I was only using them as a means to meet new girls, not to browse how hot they are. Then, and I didn’t realize it until this morning, yesterday, something happened.
I had formed a new business friendship, and with that person I also had done contracted work. Because of a slip up I had with the service, the contact decided to bail on the contract after we talked things out seemingly and smoothed it over.
This left my feeling betrayed and hurt. I did realize that this was a scenario I was allowing my emotions to be at the mercy of the will of others, and made me realize once again that people WILL look out for themselves before they look out for anyone else.
However, this feeling of betrayal cut a cord with me on a deep level, and I PMO’d. Like I said, I didn’t realize it before this happened, but now thinking back, as I pointed out in This Is Me, a common connection between all my PMO occurrences this past year has been feeling that sense of betrayal.
Again, not an excuse or a justification, but a root cause that I must be more conscious of.
And now for moving forward, how I can take what I’ve learned and apply it, to move even closer towards an overarching non negotiable declaration I made to not PMO anymore…
So first, a lot of what I’ve read about recently has been about defining my life’s mission, a code to life my life by, and defining goals, and action steps to get there. It’s something I’ve read about but have yet to seriously apply to my life.
That is going to change. Right now, my primary task is to define my mission and my code, and setting goals and plans of action that support and fit into my mission and code.
I’m also going to organize my life. De-clutter my mind, my material possessions, and set processes in place to make things run more efficiently without system slack.
How this applies to PMO? I’ll update this topic with a new article for sure when it’s complete, but for now, I’ll say that my code is absolutely going to contain elements of my non negotiable declaration not to PMO anymore.
And my code is something I will regularly visit and tweak. This is good because I will be constantly reminded of my Non Negotiable declarations. I also want to place a sign or poster or something in my office and room at home with the phrase “99% is a bitch. 100% is a breeze. #100%NonNegotiableNo.”
I will make it part of my daily or weekly tasks to read this quote, and meditate upon it. On how I am doing in adhering to my non negotiable declarations and make sure I’m on track.
In addition, I will most probably have an element of my mission that contains making this website a revenue generator, but more importantly, a website that actually helps people.
People who are not as far along in their PMO journey as I am. My website will be a place people can come to and not only get advice on PMO, but use that as a springboard to improve other important areas of their lives, as I have learned to do, and continue to learn to do each and every day.
Another part of this website will be continuing to educate myself on this topic. Keep in tune with content from places like YBOP, and keep in tune with what people are going through on the forums there and similar sites.
I will also be setting up short term and medium range goals. This may consist of daily activities or just general overarching projects or standards I want to meet and reach.
These will be things that re-inforce the “theory” part of my mission and code. Such as… I want to meet a girl from real life interactions, not online dating. I want to be sexually attracted to real life women, not the ones I see on the computer screen.
So, what will I be doing to re-inforce that? What kinds of goals will I set for myself to ensure I am progressing in approaching and dating new women I see in real life and find attractive? These are things I don’t have definite answers for now, but know for sure I will have definites upon updating this article in a Part II.
So as I wrap this up, as you can see, there are ALWAYS positives to be drawn from everything in life. There’s always lessons. And when bumps in the road occur or bad things happen, it is up to YOU to choose how you’d like to proceed.
You can’t change the past, you can’t ignore the fact that YOU are responsible for your situation, as much as you’d like to blame others or blame circumstances, and now you are responsible for any future choices you make as a result of previous events that occurred that led you to where you are RIGHT NOW.
I am thankful and grateful to have the presence of mind, and to have had the opportunity to read such fantastic books and continue to read such fantastic books and resources that I am able to adopt this mindset, from a place of calm, and clarity, and self-love.
(Side note: I’ll actually be coming out with a full list of resources for books and sites I’ve followed or read, or currently use, so that you can use them too!)
And the last thing I wanted to touch on… I briefly mentioned it above with the DECISION content, and the content on PERSEVERANCE… But I wanted to specifically focus on something many great thinkers have said.
In The Strangest Secret, Earl Nightengale says “we become what we think about… A man is what he thinks about all day long.” These statements are so true.
Just look at your life now. There are most definitely goals you have or things you want to do that you haven’t yet. However, if you look at your present situation, where you are right at this moment, wouldn’t you say it’s exactly where your PAST thoughts led you to be?
I would. This means that what you appear to be “in the present”, is actually an accumulation of your past thoughts. On the same token, the REAL YOU, PRESENT YOU, can be, and IS, what you think about.
Applying this to financial success, if you THINK about money, gaining new business, winning new deals, etc, you will. If you don’t have a great business presence and think about what it would be like to be a business force to be reckoned with, and can imagine yourself being that, you become that. Like that. At the snap of a finger.
Applying this to this article, in the past I acknowledged an “addiction” to watching porn and PMO’ing. However, when I realize it, holding such an idea in my head has had me thinking about addiction, and not succumbing to addiction, and beating addiction, etc.
This is the wrong mindset. In reality, I should NOT be focusing not on pushing away or beating the “porn addiction”. I should be thinking about what it’s like to not have an “addiction”, how guys act who don’t watch porn, how guys act who don’t resort to vices when they have emotional distress, and how I can use my mindfulness practice specifically. I can think about how good it feels to be PMO free, how good it feels to be meeting women in my regular daily life, whenever I want, because I am thinking about cold approaching girls and meeting new girls during activities I can participate in.
THOSE things are what I should be thinking about. And I will attract more of that… More “free” behavior, more dates, more meeting women in real life, more emotional stability, and an expanded use of my mindfulness practice.
(To make a parallel to illustrate my point better, let’s say we are talking about money again. If you want new clients, and keep thinking about how you have no new clients, and can’t figure out a way to get any, you’ll attract more of that.
But if you act grateful, thankful, and believe you’ll be getting new clients, and act the part of a person who has his choice of which high end clients he works with, you’ll attract new clients.)
The word “addiction” is a limiting belief, much like the word “can’t”. The connotation it has, implies a disability, or incapability to do something the way a “normal” person would do it. That is why this belief must be ELIMINATED and REJECTED, in favor of the above mindset and belief structure.
So this is me saying, I have a PERFECTLY healthy brain. A brain that functions at the highest capacity, and has every benefit of, and is just as healthy as, a brain that never PMO’d. And now as mentioned before, I will begin to / keep engaging in activities that support a perfectly healthy brain with perfectly optimal, healthy levels of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and every other chemical in the brain.
These may be things such as yoga, meditating, working out, meeting new people, etc. The possibilities are endless, really.
And that’s it for now. This piece ended up being WAY longer than I even thought I was going to write, by a lot. If you’re still reading, as usual, THANK YOU. It’s much appreciated, and a lot of me goes into these articles. When I finish, it feels good having written them.
In my next piece, Momentary Lapses — Part II, I will be introducing and unveiling what I have done of my mission, code, goals, action steps, tasks, and new rituals to achieve these things, as well as things I’ve done to organize and de-clutter my life and mind. Thank you again, and see you then 🙂